The web site of decadentdream

8/19/25 Alright, so here's the deal; I've been blogging on a different website, and I'm making that website into my sort of "friend finding" social media type place, with stuff like fanlistings and my blogs on there. I swear I'm not cheating on you with another site lol, and you're welcome to follow it if you'd like. I'm learning a lot just by getting to start things from scratch, and honestly I'm using a lot of premade layouts and stuff because I want it to just be a casual place that is centered around what I find fun. On here, this is more of a place I use to hold stuff I've made and worked on, and interesting things I've found and want to show people. It's not probably right to call this website a portfolio, but I like having a place that reflects and tracks my progress and understanding of art, code, writing, and all that. It's more than anything meant to be what I think is more fun and less social or personal. I suppose seeing how much personality this place has makes that seem a bit silly to say, but I think visual self expression, especially in a positive manner, is different than the way an online journal expresses oneself. There's a lot of work that needs to be done in the realm of organizing, layout tweaking, and more. I'm going to work on that the more I learn things and get the energy. I love that on this account I've met so many cool people and have been so inspired by them. There's so many people who have been kind to me and I think every time more than like 2 people give me any attention I get really nervous and shut myself off from the world. I think that's due to a lot of things, and I know I'm just sorta like this all the time and I need to work on it. I know this website isn't in the realm of even slightly popular but the issue happens despite the small scale of attention this place gets. That being said, I hate the idea of just deleting this website until I no longer feel imposter syndrome, so I'm just going to come back here and change things over time. I hate this becoming a giant mess of projects that my ADHD self failed to finish or follow through and polish. This website as a whole is also a part of that, and I refuse to let myself fall into such a pit when I know pushing myself to move past my bad habits is not only rewarding but how I can overcome them. I don't want to be doomed to live my life at the mercy of this behavior. Luckily, there's no set date I need to have this website up to whatever impossible standard I've failed to even conceptualize. But that's also kinda bad, since a deadline might be what puts a fire under my ass. It's all a little annoying. Interestingly, much of what pushed me to put some recent work into here has been the idea that I might actually show someone I know IRL (that isn't my husband lol) this website. I must look kinda off when I'm in front of my computer in most of my free time and have little to show for it that isn't just my Steam and Gaia account, which both aren't even most of what I do all day. I'm not on here coding all day either lol, so what am I doing? I'm doing a lot of stuff. I've been getting back into forums and finding forums that are doing pretty well considering it's 2025. I've got really into Raindrop for my bookmarks and I've been trying to understand the digital gardening thing. I've joined a bunch of fanlistings on my other site, and I've just been writing a lot, like a lot, of random things that come to mind and even fanfiction that I'll never show a soul, and just a bunch of word documents of all kinds of stuff. I've been getting better at customizing my desktop, and just plain learning what is out there in regards to free software I can use, and sailing the seas even better than I used to. I've been reading some books, playing some games mostly on my modded DS and my switch, and I'm trying to chill on the Youtube consumption. I wish, sometimes, I could just be doing one single thing for like a week and focus on that ONLY, without a single moment where I stop unless to do what I must, like work or personal mantainence and keeping the house in order and all that, and somehow I would be able to pick it right back up with no issue and none of it is painful. The only time I can seem to get close I don't sleep, I don't eat, and i barely stop to take a piss lol. I really wish that wasn't the case, because correcting that behavior feels worse than physical pain by a lot. I know what discomfort feels like, and that's not what it is. But to be real, this is the hand I was dealt and if I want to change I'm going to have to push through that pain and learn of ways to make it easier. This isn't just in regards to this website and it's contents, but in regards to a lot of the (free obviously, I'm broke lol) online classes I start and never finish. I always brush the surface of having the potential of something rather great. The moment I can see in my head the vision, I'm already losing the plot and it's falling out of my hands. I let experiences of this cloud my judgement and stop me from ever trying in the first place, because I feel deeply ashamed. I wonder if other people feel like this? This has to be true, but how do they actually solve this issue? I don't think saying "hard work" is a good enough answer, I need detailed instructions. Right now, I've been trying everything I possibly can think of until something finally sticks, when it comes to how I tackle this problem. I Have to remind myself that it's okay to fail and fail and fail. But there's not much of a culture that backs me up on this reality. It's very strange. I know that anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed, and with that in mind, I hope my half-assed website has been something that gave or gives you happiness. I don't know what I'm doing, and I learn incredibly slowly. I'm the type that celebrates learning very simple and obvious things because they take a lot of struggle for me to learn. I have always felt like a broken person for having to try twice as hard as my peers to achieve half as impressive results, which is why I'm always fighting the impulse to insert garish artistic expression into what I do to avert any attention from my shortcomings. I have many habits like this, to distract anyone from my shortcuts in order to save face and it only seems to build on the shame I feel. I want to be someone that can make good things, even amazing things, but I just don't know if that's possible with how I am and have always been. I am trying so hard to change these things but it's going to take years and the progress is very slow. That being said, I HAVE made progress. I wish it was faster, but the fast results never stick like the slow ones. But I've gotten better at accepting those "phases" in my life of using lists and organizational devices as chances to learn and do better next time. So much of what used to be impossible for me is now a habit of mine. I've tried to just work within the framework of...me.

Sorry, that's probably weird to ramble on about, and it's more of a life update than anything, but I think it's important to talk about if only to let people know what I'm up to. Sorry for being a bummer, but I'm actually doing better and better each time I come in here. I understand a bit more, and I forsee this website evolving with me. As of now, I'm focused on cutting out the mess so that the better parts of it can breathe. I think it's just more important to make this place appeal visually to my tastes which are just plain mellowing out right now. I got so exicited in the past about the things I just learned I could do and the cute graphics I found that I didn't think about if it made much sense to do so or if it just made this place a headache. Same goes for things like all the writing. I am fucking verbose!!! I know this, and I am usually okay with this. But a bunch of random blogs or dare I call them, essays, on here is just kinda clunky and needs to be a smaller area here. They do not need to be a main feature knowing their age. I think I'm trying a bit too hard to mimic what I like on other people's sites and not thinking too clearly about what I'm doing here. As of now, I'm thinking maybe just put them in a link within the "for you" page. And yes, the About Me section isn't going to be linked for a while until I completely redo it, which may never happen lol. I may just link my NC profile, maybe my blog on the links page and call it a day. I just think what that page was doing is not only outdated but it's what my entire new blog is doing now, and I think is being done better there tbh. Things like my fanlistings, me talking about current games I'm playing, my microblog, and stuff like that has just been so expansive and gotten so personal in nature (I know, this update does too lol) that it feels much more right to let it all live elsewhere. And to be honest, if you're the type who gets kinda sick of seeing updates on a website that aren't something you can use or enjoy, this being its own thing is kinda the answer to that! I'm not offended in the least that someone would find it annoying that my updates are just me yapping again and like, I dunno, fixing dead links or posting artwork or something. I can kinda get that, even though I'm always stoked to see upadates about whatever on my favorite sites. If you do want to keep up more with my personal life or just wanna geek out about interests with me in depth, well, the other site is right there to enjoy that. So far, all of this just makes the most sense to me. If I think I'm ready to do so, or just have some grand new idea, I'll just merge the sites and it'll be on here if I do that.

So I guess that's my whole monster update. I'm sorry I haven't kept up with everyone too well but I think I've been doing a lot. Remember you're always welcome to email me even though I totally suck at holding a conversation, it still makes me happy!

6/23/25: WE DID IT BABY!!! and by we did it I mean I finally got a tiny tiny bit serious about making this place less of a pain to navigate. The truth is, I try really really hard just to get the smallest thing done on here because I really do suck at understanding even the simplist of code. Only after like, an hour or more of trying, do I even figure out how to get the hover effect on the navigation links lol and it took basically all day yesterday to get the layout looking the way it does with nicer fonts and the containers right and all that. But to be fair, this information isn't just a fleeting relay of what I just read that leaves my brain in a week, I really do end up remembering this stuff and how it works, and every little thing I read while trying to figure out my own issues stays with me and I really digest it all for future use. Which is good because now that I'm learning more of what I can actually do, I feel a lot more confident in getting creative with those skills! As you may have seen, my about page is at this moment the same. I'm a little worried the like 100 images will need to be re uploaded and all this extra stuff that I think will take me a looong time to do. I also just feel like it's the most important page (how vain lol) because I get to throw down all the fun little blinkies, stamps, and other images that I've collected over the years. Also since this is basically my social media, I really want to format everything in a way that lets me go on about the things I love, and there's a lot of things! I think this whole page will just need a pretty different approach to organize each little thing that makes me, me, and room to grow as I find more things I love. Still I'm hoping my skills get to a point where I can work on a photo gallery for my photography, and a space to put my 1 Second Everyday video on, because I've been doing that recently and it's been amazing to see. I would love to get to a point where I feel comfortable showing this website to family members without feeling awkward, but I wonder if that's even a good idea, when I could make a separate website that has a more polished and formal feel, keeping this place somewhere I can feel comfortable being completely honest. Anyway! The about me page is in progress, I'm just more than a bit overwhelmed with the possibilities right now and as usual I'm scared to start until I know how to make it perfect. There are a couple new paintings in my gallery that I recently did as birthday gifts for my parents, and a new sketch. In the future, I may polish a draft or 2 on my PC and put it in the writing spot. Btw, if you're looking for old updates, those are in the writing section now. See ya!
3/10/25: Okay so I've done some serious tweaking to the writing page, I've added a couple rants on there, some fonts are getting smaller, and I've added a bunch of pixels I've made in the past, that I never got around to putting on here, which is kinda a shame because that's actually something unique of value that I have here lol! I've been thinking about what else I can put on here like maybe book and/or movie reviews but I honestly keep forgetting to actually do it, I guess that's because the best time to really write those things out is right after I watch or read them, and during those times I usually just forget to lol. I've considered fragrance reviews also but that would be just a few scents at most. Still thinking about how I'm going to do the bookcase page, you already know you're getting a popup lmfao, but my bookcase currently has these little doors that I struggle to fully open for a big photo. Also I prop these heay wood boards against the front of it that I have to move every damn time I need to get anything because my husband is paranoid and now also has me paranoid that it's too top heavy and might fall forward if we don't. So that's a fun thing. I'm about to just nix the whole photo page altogether because I'm just starting to feel like it's silly when I can just make a tumblr page or something. Also for some reason I am WAY too stupid to figure out how to make the page the way I want, which I thought was going to be simple! Yes it's my first day using HTML, how did you know? But seriously, I'm an awful coder, even with the simplest of html so of course this whole thing is stumping me. Anyway, moving on...I'm almost done turning my old phone into a personal offline music player for myself. Offline because it has no data, but can connect to wifi, and I've made sure it's got everything it needs in storage. I think it will be a great escape from always using my phone for music, so I can be disconnected from calls and texts and whatnot. I can just enjoy my tunes. Also, I've got more rants on my PC since I've been trying to work on writing when I'm feeling frustrated, and if I can make them coherent and a touch less personal, I might put them on here also. I mean, who cares, right? Well just kidding, it's not true, but I think this is just another way that I can make this site something more for me and for finding people who understand me the most. Sometimes I feel like I should be guilty for being negative and killing the vibes, but I think that's probably just the anxiety or something talking. It's not a crime to be upset around people, they just might not care much about it or like it. anyway these edibles are going to kill my brain right now lol. Here's the link list I'll be going through for the next few days. So far it's been cool and I'm a sucker for just checking out link after link on people's pages. Goodnight!!

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